did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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