Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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