I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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