Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
BRING THE BAGELS
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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