My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
