2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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