Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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