I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
