Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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