I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
