p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
