So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
