Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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