I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
