What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
