I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
