Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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