someone threw a dead crab at me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
