Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
