why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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