Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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