I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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