and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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