You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
