I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
