The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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