I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
