My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
