Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
