do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
