if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
