Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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