I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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