i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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