There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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