sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
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