Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
