Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
