So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How does it feel to date your dad?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
