Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
