Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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