Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
