I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Hippo gnu deer
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
