I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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