I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
