If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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