Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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