Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
