I wish my penis had an off switch
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
