My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
