Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
