I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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