So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
